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Mrs. Monk's Would-be Diary should have been written by Mrs. Monk, since she is the "Writer" in the family.
However, since she is a writer only in the conceptual sense, I have undertaken to fill these pages on her behalf
If not by her, these pages will certainly be about her, and other important matters of the day         Leslie Monk





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More 2013

The Untouchables

George Osborne would rather choke on a pheasant than betray his class, and his paymasters.

The Filthy Rich are Untouchable.

by  Monkles 27 June 2013

27 June 2013

Here Be Music

This day this page is born with music that we Monks play a lot to each other and rarely disagree about. Music may well be the secret of an enduring marriage, and certainly not the disorderly keeping of the toothpaste tube. Hope my thesis stands the test of time. We shall see. Watch and listen to this space. Here Be Music. Here be shit in a plastic bag.  Loudon Wainwright.

This is my pick. What follows will be Mrs Monk’s pick.

24 June 2013

Tight Rope Over the Grand Canyon

23 June 2013

Pick & Mix

Whistle Blowing

Dear  Jeremy Hunt, as a big-it-up fan of Whistleblowers in the public interest, what is your view of  Edward Snowden? Is he a Whistle Blower defending our personal freedoms and our legal rights to privacy or a Spy?

And of Paparazzi taking sneaky pictures of the Saatchis for cash, Whistleblower or creepy voyeur?

Take your pick.


17 June 2013

Pick & Mix

Whistle Blowing

What is good for Jeremy Hunt, would be good for Michael Gove.

17 June 2013

Mrs Monk made me late for tennis today. I considered giving her the Saatchi treatment for a nanosecond, then went for the girlie silent treatment.  They can’t get you for that.




Eight Years Ago

13 June 2005


A neighbour lost a pet rabbit today and Mrs Monk told them not to worry about the  wild life in the back alley. She is now concerned that she created alarm where there was no alarm.  We understand that the neighbourhood foxes are well cared for and have no interest in rabbits, or indeed Cat Flap Charlie. Eight years ago I wrote a song about foxes. These lyrics survive but no tune sadly. “Better than Coldplay”, said Mrs. Monk at the time. Seems unlikely, but I did write that down eight years ago, so it must be true. Whatever happened to Coldplay. Did they make it?

6 June 2013


Wanted: Parking space attached to a home.

Southend Council abandons blighted minority.

Official...... Incompetence

2 June 2013  The “Council of the Year” are Incompetent.  Southend Council Traffic and Highways Department, cavalier, cynical, insincere, belated, incompetence.

2 June 2013

How amusing to watch the political right squirm as they try to appeal to the UKIP tendency without appearing racist. I call this a Nigel Barton moment after the classic Dennis Potter BBC Wednesday Play. Gordon Brown fell into the same trap in 2010.

Dear Dennis Potter



20 May 2013

 hypochondria by proxy

NHS box-ticking computerised questionnaire.



 Two Years Ago

14 May 2011

 “Not in a million years”, said Tennis pundit Wilco, when I predicted that Andy Murray would end the winning streak of Djokovic at the Rome Masters in three sets. But Murray failed to serve out the final game of the third set with two double faults and a cruel net cord by Djokovic who will now surely beat Nadal in the final in straiSght sets, unless he is wasted by today’s encounter.

Now they are all back again in Rome. Biggest mover up within the top 50 Tennis world rankings is Stanislas Wawrinka this week and the biggest mover down is Fernando Verdasco

9 May 2013

Today, Cat Flap Charlie stepped on my computer keyboard many times and made “illegal” commands. As a result I lost 4 hours work.

Furthermore Mrs. Monk turned plumber this afternoon and flooded the kitchen. That  would be a longer and more dangerous story to disclose.

Wives and other pets can impede progress.



OF THE WEEK 6 May 2013



Who needs 140 characters?

4 May 2013 Nigel Farage is well aware of the charge that UKIP is at least xenophobic and possibly racist. Farage smiles and insists that he is neither, but he should nevertheless take the smile off his face, if only because extreme and dangerous right wing racists inevitably find his party attractive and that is nothing to be smug about.




4 May 2013 The story relayed by the staff at the town rubbish tip is that the contents of this skip were books collected by a very old man over time. The books were sent here by the family of the old man since he was obliged to move out of his home. We were also told that the old man was never able to read but collected nevertheless. Mrs Monk rescued a few books and we now have a pile on our coffee table. The next day it rained upon the contents of this container and the contents have now decomposed into pulp fiction.

4 May 2013 Mrs Monk has had nice policemen pose and smile for her on more than one  occasion , but another threatened to arrest me if I took his picture. I have been told more than once by policeman that ignorance of the law  is no excuse so it is strange that any policeman, or any law enforcer would get away with claiming that they were unaware of the law when  they are caught breaking the law. This young lady made a film of her experience, and I am glad to have this matter cleared up once and for all. You can take pictures of policeman in a public place, and you do not need their permission to do so, unless they have reasonable suspicion that you are a terrorist.



29 April 2013 I have received a letter of apology from Curry's about their shortcomings described on these pages. This means they have acknowledged responsibility, and must therefore pay up. How much they pay up may or may not compensate me for the trouble they have put me to and the apology only came after I sued them, and backed them into a corner. Not exactly the instant service they promised.

29 April 2013 On another front I am still waiting for an apology from Southend Council about the trouble they have put me too in the Spy Cam Scam. Also described on these pages. I have ask the adjudicator to award me my costs and it is unusual for costs to be awarded. The Council know this so they  ignore all correspondence to them on the subject. They call themselves the “council of the year”. How misleading?


Norman Tebbit



Two Years  Ago


21 April 2011

23 April 2013 Today they are talking about what makes you angry and what makes anyone want to take a bite out of someone’s arm. Not sure my choice of weapon would be my teeth, but David Cameron’s deception in the AV debate got my goat two years ago..

22 April 2013 Screams could be heard in Hadleigh. Mrs Monk is fond of her wildlife and never fails to feed the birds and other beasts in all weathers. In the shed is a huge bag of bird seed. Every morning she scoops out a fistful and puts it in the bird feeder, What the birds drop on the ground would seem to attract other wildlife. Charlie now seen stalking this area, not for birds but for field mice. He likes to catch a live one and bring it into the house and even into the bedroom as we sleep.

Today Mrs Monk placed a hand into the seed bag and was surprised to find a mouse in there having a bird seed orgy. Screams could be heard in Hadleigh.

18 April 2013

Mourning Glory!

The stiff upper lips may have enjoyed glorifying Thatcher at great expense to the tax payer, but now they must justify what they have done to Britain in her name, in the last week. Time to get back to business.

Dear Channel 4

Thatcher’s Asset Stripping Irreversible.

A Nuclear Solution?

13 April 2013

12 April 2013 Over dinner Mrs Monk told me that the "Ding Dong" song has been censored by the BBC, on the grounds of taste, the day after they were showing genital warts on channel 4.

11 April 2013 Snatcher and Charlie posed on my desk. Charlie does not get the joke and has not yet discovered that if you step on this effigy it squeaks.

I cannot imagine even a Tory weeping at her loss, and only Norman Tebbit was moved by her loss. Tebbit used his parliamentary time to denigrate her so called “friends.” 

The public wept for John Lennon, but  in the last few days, “Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead” has entered the Top 10 chart.

The Tories vilified Michael Foot, so well done Glenda Jackson and yes, dare I say it, Norman Tebbit?

10 April 2013 Thatcher lectured Europe about the rebate and insisted it was “our money” and not their money that she was demanding. Now they want to spend around 10M of “our money” on her funeral, in the very week they cut benefits to the disabled. This funeral is not a universal benefit, then?


9 April 2013 Thatcher found herself in Downing Street by chance, and when she got there she used and abused her position to the Nth degree. She derogated the Tory cabinet of establishment Tory men with guile, and judicious flattery and yes, with sex appeal apparently (John Major), also by humiliation (Geoffrey Howe).  It was Thatchers’s  hubris that did her in finally. The puppies revolted but the damage was done.

The puppies are all but dead now, and today they contrive to make the best of their disloyalty. And now said that Thatcher was forever haunted by the disloyalty of the Tory Dead Dogs, but that is because Thatcher was herself a tribal class warrior, terminally middle class.

And now dead.

I sold my drawing of Heseltine to someone in Tory Surrey.

Now that is what I call free enterprise.


8 April 2013 Thatcher dead on the day the laughing boys made their benefit cuts. Why did the first woman prime minister have to be this woman. If she had a sense of humour, she did not show it. Her appalling “U-turning”  unfunny scripted jokes, were delivered like sour wet mutton, and the Tory conference faithful laughed obsequiously.



7 April 2013 ChrisClose @ChrisClose50 #BoycottTheDailyMail has fixed the Daily Mail.

4 April 2013 Even I did not expect George Osborne to sink as low as The Daily Mail when I wrote to him yesterday, but there he was today making political capital out of the manslaughter of Children. A new low for a Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Dear George

Ugly Britain. The day George Osborne vilifies the poor and the Daily Mail  exploits the manslaughter of children.

3 April 2013


25 March 2013

I got a reminder from Currys this week asking me to renew our extended warranty for our Gaggia Espresso Maker. The reminder repeated the promise that they would put my “mind at rest” and would “instantly repair or replace” the machine if something went wrong. In fact they reminded me that I had forgotten to sue Currys for not “instantly repairing or replacing” the machine when it went kaput, and subsequently not doing what they promised, and what I paid them to do, and as described on these pages of course.

Today I sued Currys on line.

Its easy.


24 March 2013

“Interdepartmental Error”

Southend Council have decided not to contest my appeal against the December Mobile CCTV ticket.  I am not pleased by this because this means The Council has avoided the necessity to actually explain themselves to me personally and to the adjudicator. The cynical calculation of the Council is that there is no loss for them by providing just two meaningless words of explanation.

“Interdepartmental Error” is not even a sentence and certainly not an apology. The inconvenience is all mine. I have sent the Council a bill for my costs and offered to reduce my demand by 50%, if they pay within seven days.  Don’t hold your breath.

My letter to the Council

21 March 2013 Mrs Monk swam with the Southend United football team today. Yes, the whole team, including their star striker, and just Mrs Monk.

Apparently Southend United look good in their Speedos underwater. Mrs Monk has goggles.


20 March 2013 The media are in a Budget frenzy. Yesterday the BBC conducted a poll on Waterloo Bridge, asking passersby to choose one of the two options, more borrowing, or more cuts. The BBC did not even provide the third option of raising Taxes, and some passersby wondered why. George Osborne may well raise taxes today but if does, will he touch the untouchables, The Filthy Rich, the highest earners, the top 1%. We shall see.

If an elephant were to represent the wealth of the wealthiest 1%, then the excrement of an elephant dung beetle would represent their tax contribution.


14 March 2013 NHS Gagging orders for staff have been banned by Jeremy Hunt? The BBC and Sky have reported this as if it were some new initiative by Hunt, but the fact is that NHS staff already have that right , but also that they know that if they exercise that right they will lose their jobs anyway. So what exactly is Hunt up to?

The Filthy Rich

12 March 2013   Ken Loach may well be promoting a new polemical movie but his knowledge of the economy makes anyone who supports our "market economy",  look extremely foolish.

12 March 2013 This Ten Pound note was dispensed out of a Barclays ATM. Mrs Monk thinks it is a work of art and possibly worth more than Ten Pounds.

11 March 2013 Today a politician, Chris Huhne, was sent to gaol for telling lies about a motoring offence. The  judge made an example of Chris Huhne, so that politicians will be less inclined to tell lies on Question Time, or in political manifestos. If only?

9 March 2013 Roy Lichtenstein at The Tate Modern did not exactly surprise the The Monks. We were happy enough to see them all again set out in a new context, but the real pleasure of the day was found at Tate Britain. Kurt Schwitters anarchy still delights and all those miniature collages made us both smile. Found myself eager to get home and have a go.

9 March 2013 The Monks caught up on Tate Modern Exhibitions. Visits to London by car are becoming ever more challenging but we survived the ordeal. Roy Lichtenstein likes a bold black outline and is the big crowd pleaser at Tate Modern. Mrs Monk made this five second sketch of a “Tate guard” He asked to see it, took a photograph of it, but insisted he was an “Artist” and not a “Tate guard” Mrs. Monk crossed out “The Tate Guard” and wrote “Artist”  The other gentleman is a man waiting for and praying for his lunch at YiBan a Chinese restaurant overlooking City Airport.


Kevin Ayers

Carefree Psychedelic Genius

I bought every album made by this man. He is not a  household name in America or in Britain, so I was surprised and delighted to read this tribute by David Fricke of Rolling Stone, who is also a fan and has kept his autograph after all these years. Kevin Ayers died February 18 2013.

21 February 2013

over-sexed and over-here”

Some Southend Councillors met at a private club today, and not in the council chamber provided by the tax payer, just half a mile away.

Not one of the 55 councillors that I wrote to regarding my concerns about mobile CCTV Parking, replied to me or even acknowledged my e-mail.

There is free parking where they met today, subsidised by members of the private club. Councillors are also subsidised by the residents of Southend who pay for the allowance that provided today's lunch if they wanted it, and they may park in any restricted area or car park in Southend  free of charge or harassment by Mobile CCTV. Councillors vote for their own privileges and yes, they are free to set aside their allowances. We all know that they are unlikely to do so, unless we were born yesterday.

David Amess MP certainly does not apologise for grasping his expenses, including the exotic holidays in the Maldives. His justification is that it is “perfectly legal”. Yes, we know that David. but that is not the point. It is your job to write the law on behalf of your constituents if you are capable of doing so in their best interest, and not yours. 

Southend Councillors are  allowed to park anywhere in Southend and cannot be troubled by the privatised company operating the Mobile CCTV that is out there tormenting everyone for cash.  They happen to be The Airport Parking Company of America or APCOA. They are “over-sexed and over-here.”

16 February 2013

  Dear Jeremy

 May be Jeremy Hunt’s "Yes, Minister" moment.

14 February 2013 People cannot stop talking about meat. This picture taken by Mrs. Monk in Leigh on Sea some time ago, has found some attention on Flikr. Also featured in this  movie.

Farmville Meat is Murder



12 February 2013 The word “vermin.” I like to think that such a word would not have been used by the greatest thinkers, certainly not Darwin. To describe politicians who use the word vermin to gain political advantage. Very acceptable.

12 February 2013 Boris Johnson’s urban fox hunting scheme now underway. Tally Ho.

11 February 2013 The tabloids used to mock the EEC for over regulating agricultural products. Now it has all gone wrong the same people are complaining about EEC regulation failing to protect us from, can you believe it,  horse meat.

11 February 2013 Like a politician’s promise, you can’t find the beef in Findos.


10 February 2013  Jeremy Hunt appeared on the Andrew Marr programme today, with a smiley face and few answers.

Gone is the false claim that the current government has increased NHS funding in real terms. Instead , he gave another assurance that NHS spending will be “protected”, whatever that means.  Also claims that he wants to dismiss any Mid Staf NHS neglectful staff who were accountable, but not the management that were in charge. Think that is what he said. He is a slippery one. I expect none to be found accountable. We shall see. Could it be the budget shortfall to blame? Who then culpable?


9 February 2013


 What is it about the NHS that offends Jeremy Hunt?


7 February 2013 Gove messed with the status of GCSE results without the consultation that would have prevented the damaging fiasco last year. Today he claims that his U-turn on reform is a result of consultation. Not at all sure that he has learnt to stop messing with education.


5 February 2013

Highway Mendacity

Southend Council Report That Residents’ Mobile CCTV Concerns Are Based on Untrue Myths. Really?

4 February 2013

Precisely One Year Ago

this was written

4 February 2012

Huhne Faces Life? 

Huhne fingers Cameron, and faces Life in Prison, say BBC.

 2 February 2013

Last night Mrs Monk had a phone related dream. Her phone is looking increasingly ragged, and she wants to take her twitter habit and her 1000 followers on the road. Time to get her a new phone perhaps, but this six year old story concerns me. And there are more such stories often relayed on these pages.

Six Years Ago

4 February 2006  Where Is My Phone?

31 January 2013

Parking Cash Cow Denial

Southend Councillors.

Park as they say, and not as they do?



Stories about tennis inspired by tennis pundit Wilco and other Tennis Egg Heads. Don’t put your house on in it.


27 January 2013   Murray v Djockovic Stats

These Stats suggested that Djokovic would win this final in straight sets. That did not quite happen but it is so bewildering to see both players canceling each other out with such passive play. Both players had fewer than expected winners and more than expected unforced errors. Murray’s gross blisters may have hampered his movement but that would not explain his poor service stats.  Murray should have attacked from the end of the second set, win or lose, particularly if his movement was a problem and it obviously was. To his credit he made no issue of the blisters when he congratulated Novak, on his win. Murray’s feet were not pretty, and neither was the tennis.

24 January 2013  David Cameron spoke today of his pro, business credentials and his desire to deregulate business and free business from onerous rules, particularly if they are not his rules. Not something he said to get elected, when he blamed Gordon Brown for failing to regulate the business of financial services. A different audience, a different message.

24 January 2013  Privatised health contractor's staff told to cut 999 calls to meet targets. Is anyone surprised?

See also  999


19 January 2013

Mrs Monk gave up on her quest to educate English teenagers due mainly to the misguided controlling philosophy of Headteachers, and of Gove and other amateurs who seemed to enjoy playing with education as if they had  a clue.


Hardly a day goes by without some former pupil approaching Mrs Monk in the street and apologising for their behavior in school. So, there is hope at least for these pupils that have now grown up, made babies, and found jobs as butchers and bakers . Some have found more glittering careers but still they find time to recall good times with Mrs Monk, and to apologise for their behaviour.


 Gove has made it less likely that “outstanding” teachers like Mrs Monk will return to the profession. His recent undertaking and methodology to reward only “good teachers” is yet another reason to stay away from the profession. Any teacher will know that Gove’s proposal to give Headteachers the power to determine pay increases, is just another tool by which Headteachers can bully and harass professional class room teachers. 50% of teachers claim that they have been bullied by head teachers. Bullying is rife.


By the way Academies already have that power, because they can do as they please, and do so secretly.



17 January 2013 The National Rifle Association are exploiting President Obama’s  children, in a USTV ad campaign.

Their claim is that President Obama’s kids receive armed protection whereas other school kids do not.


This would  be perversely ignorant of appropriate “risk assessment”, but also exploitative of the fear of all American children and their parents, as well of, and in particular, the Obama kids and the Obamas.

The NRA oppose any initiative to reduce American gun dependency, and they wish to expand,  but then any gun toting bigot would , wouldn’t they?


The same charge was made to embarrass Piers Morgan, as if I cared


Murray v Simon Stats

Stats predict that Murray will win this match in straight sets.

the stats have not yet failed to predict the outcomes correctly but don’t put your house on anything you see on theses pages. That would be foolish.

More stats will appear here.

Andy Murray

14 January 2013 The man to beat in the Australian Open?

Wilco and Andre Aggassi are the first to predict who might win.


Make a Prediction

14 January 2013 Ambulance Service get Cash Bonuses for not responding to 999 calls. Is that why I was left in the middle of the road for an hour in chronic pain unable to move.

See also  999

12 August 2012

If you get your hand stuck in a teapot, or cannot raise your trousers, should you call the Emergency Services?



Three Years ago.

Dear NHS

David Cameron wrote to me three years ago promising to protect NHS values and to protect it from cuts. He then set about changing the NHS forever devaluing the historic NHS ethos with yet more privatisation, doing so with no mandate, and by cleverly disguising actual Tory values that are more inclined to trip off the twisted tongue of his Tory colleague Daniel Hannan, who enjoys being feted by the repugnant Fox TV.


Happy Birthday Mrs Monk

10 January 2013

8 January 2013

Parking Dilemma

A little local difficulty. Should Southend on Sea councillor’s do the right thing, or risk electoral disadvantage.

Parklife from LeslieMonk on Vimeo.


3 January 2013

Dear Zulffigar Ali,

White Van Spy Cam Man Big Chief,


The Strategic Highways  and Traffic Manager of Southend Council.

Some say there are no parking problems in Leigh and Chalkwell. If that were the case, why do we have these pernicious Spy Cams?



pictures of 2012 faces that came Mrs. Monks way.

1 January 2013











More 2013

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Daily Mail

Exploits Manslaughter of Children

two arrogant ill informed naughty grammar school boys